Movies Coming Soon: Summer 2015 edition – Part 2

Emilia Clarke as Sarah Connor in Terminator: Genisys | Summer 2015 movies not to watch
Emilia Clarke as Sarah Connor in Terminator: Genisys

Having posted my “must-see” movies of this summer a few weeks ago, here’s the long-delayed Part 2 where I list down the movies I’m less enthusiastic about. I started this post in April, so a few of these movies are already in cinemas, or have finished their run. But I feel the same about them as I did before, so I’ve let them remain.

And I’m probably being a downer, but there are a *ton* of movies this summer that I have zero desire to watch. Some of them, maybe someday in the distant future, but most of these I can say definitively that I won’t watch unless by accident (e.g. in front of the TV at someone else’s house with nothing to do). I can barely even make myself watch their trailers, because they held no appeal at all, but I did so to be fair, in case I was wrong. I wasn’t.

Some of my reasoning may not be sound to you, but I have always only put my personal opinions, so feel free to disagree. After all, my likes and dislikes are not yours. (Though if you share them, I would think better of your taste.)

Shows I would like to watch someday, just not in cinemas:

The Longest Ride (Apr 9)

Scott Eastwood is handsome, and Britt Robertson looks likable. But I’m not into romance dramas right now, least of all Nicholas Sparks’ cheesy “tearjerkers”. Maybe at a different point in my life?

The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (Aug 13)

Old school spy intrigue. I suppose Henry Cavill and Armie Hammer are fine as the leads. I just don’t feel like watching it very much, though I feel I *should* want to because they’re trying so hard to please me with stylish shenanigans and handsomely coiffed men and what looks like humorous gags. But I don’t.

Maybe I’ll change my mind in a few months time? Or when they release another trailer? Or when the reviews pour in, if they happen to be good? Or I’ll be vindicated when the reviews are so-so?

Shows I never want to watch:

The Gunman (Apr 9)

There have been too many action-hero-over-50 movies in recent years, and I don’t see anything special about The Gunman to make me watch it. Plus the movie had horrible reviews.

Child 44 (Apr 16)

It’s a shame that I don’t want to watch this movie, because it has Tom Hardy and Gary Oldman in it. The trailer seems fine for a movie about child murder, though the thick Russian accents are a little grating on the ears. (I imagine it’ll be worse to sit through an entire movie’s worth.) But it’s been receiving lousy reviews, though everyone says Tom Hardy is great. Also, I don’t like Noomi Rapace. Nothing to do with her ability as an actress — although I wouldn’t know, since I can barely recall her in anything, despite having seen her in Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows. I just… don’t like her.

Age of Adaline (Apr 16)

This is the kind of movie that I want to know the ending of, but I don’t exactly want to watch. The problem is the cast. Blake Lively is tolerable, but not enough for me to want to watch the movie, and I already don’t like Michiel Huisman as Daario Naharis on Game of Thrones — why would I want to watch a movie in which he’s the male lead? But if they had cast Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper, I would totally have watched this.

The Water Diviner (May 7)

A father goes looking for his three missing sons after a war. The subject matter (Australia, aftermath of war, period drama, father-son relationships) is just not appealing enough to me, though I’m sure Russell Crowe is good in it. It’s also his directorial debut, so kudos to him for wanting to expand his boundaries.

Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (May 7)

Paul Blart: Mall Cop made a f**king ridiculous amount of money when it came out six years ago, which is probably why they made a thoroughly unnecessary sequel. And the reason for the six-year gap is probably because somewhere in between then and now, the execs at Sony Pictures ran out of ideas of movies to make, and they decided to look through their past successes to try to duplicate their results. But this movie looks SO STUPID. Really. I don’t know why anybody will spend their money to watch this, but I’ve obviously underestimated (or should it be overestimated?) American audiences, because the movie made US$23.7 million in its opening weekend. True, there weren’t many movies opening that week for moviegoers to choose from, but I would just have not gone to the cinema if I were them. This is literally the LAST movie on this list of “Movies I don’t want to watch” that I would ever pick, if I were held at gunpoint.

Hot Pursuit (May 7)

Looks funny but lame. And I feel Sofia Vergara likes to play up her Latino bimbo act, which I’m not a fan of. Whether or not she is acting as a Latino bimbo is irrelevant: it just *feels* that way, and that’s all that’s needed to turn me off. Hollywood is the master of selling things based on general impressions, because most people don’t put deep thought into what they want to watch. Unfortunately, those “impressions” have equal tendency to turn people off as they do in attracting audiences.

I’ve never liked Reese Witherspoon too.

Pitch Perfect 2 (May 14)

I didn’t watch Pitch Perfect, and I continue my disinterest in Pitch Perfect 2. Acapella singing groups are not my thing. I also don’t like Anna Kendrick and Rebel Wilson all that much.

Entourage (Jun 4)

I didn’t watch the HBO series, and all the guys look like douchebags… which is also the reason why I didn’t ever want to watch the HBO series. The trailer just reaffirms my impression.

In fact, I had the misfortune of watching the trailer again last night in the cinema, and I got extremely worked up over the fact that there are movies being made about a talentless hack who manages to make it big in Hollywood, for unknown reasons, and his three douchey best friends who coast through life on his success. (Somehow, I don’t mind the Hollywood agent played Jeremy Piven so much, even though he’s a foul-mouthed abusive prick, because at least in this fictional world, he’s good at his job.) And they live delusional lives of ridiculously extravagant parties filled with sex, booze and drugs.

To quote this writer at Vulture, who was explaining the difference between Entourage and Silicon Valley, both HBO series about “five men in California trying to succeed in their city’s dominant and defining industry”:

Vincent Chase is a laughably bad actor. Two of his best friends are lazy, talentless hangers-on. And yet we are expected to cheer for Vincent to make millions of dollars for doing about 20 minutes of work every day, in part to support a bunch of freeloaders who somehow do even less work than he does. This has become an increasingly difficult sales proposition.

In short, I loathe the idea of Entourage so much because its main characters, who we are suppose to root for, are not worthy of their success. And they behave like douchebags because of their fame. By extension, I want the TV series and the movie to fail too, so they will stop making more of them and forcing audiences to root for these assholes. I feel that if it’s a success, we are implicitly supporting these people’s lifestyles, and saying: “Hey, it’s fine that these guys are rich, arrogant, talentless jerks and womanizers! After all, the show they’re in is “funny”!” (It’s exactly what I feel about the Paul Blart series too, though you can replace “douchebags” with “stupid bumbling idiot” in Blart’s case.)

I mean, there are antiheroes, like Breaking Bad’s Walter White and Mad Men’s Don Draper, to name a few, and there are douches like Vincent Chase and his gang. There will be an element that draws you to the antihero, no matter how many terrible things they have done. There is absolutely nothing that draws me to lazy people who make millions of dollars for doing very little.

Also, I think that Adrian Grenier is ugly, and I cannot buy him as a hotshot Hollywood star at all. I cannot. I don’t want to.

*edit* Yes! The movie tanked! I won’t have to suffer through knowing that these vulgar movies will be made till the end of time!

And I don’t understand why people keep casting MMA fighter Ronda Rousey in movies. She can’t act and she only knows how to glower, in the two movies I’ve seen her in so far (The Expendables 3, Furious 7). Also, I think she’s fugly, but these movies keep insisting that she’s hot. (Yeah, I know I’m going into the realm of the personal attack now, and I’m probably not much better looking, nor can I kick as much ass as she does, blah blah blah. Doesn’t change my opinion one bit.)

This totally turned into a rant. Forget what I said previously about Paul Blart: Mall Cop — I would choose that stupid movie over Entourage, if I were held at gunpoint.

Gosh, I have never wanted to punch any other fictional characters in their smug faces so much! (Oh wait, maybe Joffrey.)

Aloha (Jun 4)

You would think a movie with Bradley Cooper, Emma Stone and Rachel McAdams would be interesting, right? But according to one of the leaked emails by former Sony head Amy Pascal, she hated the movie. It feels like one of those rom-coms that bathe everything in a halcyon light, and tries earnestly to teach you life philosophies at the same time, while meandering off to smell the roses and get lost in its own musings. I have already watched one of those by Cameron Crowe, and it’s called Elizabethtown, which starred Orlando Bloom and Kristen Dunst. I don’t remember much about it, except that the characters seemed to be going around in circles, and I had no idea what the movie was trying to say.

I could be wrong of course, in which case I’ll eat my words, but let’s wait for the reviews.

*edit* I wrote the above paragraph in April, and I was right, because the critics hated it. Audiences didn’t turn out for it too.

Minions (Jun 18)

Everybody may have hopped onto the Minions craze, but I’m a cold-hearted bitch who hasn’t watched a single Despicable Me movie, and has absolutely no desire to start now. Cute is cute, but pandering with over-saccharineness is not cute.

Terminator: Genisys (Jun 25)

While I like most of the cast — Emilia Clarke, Jason Clarke (no relation), J.K. Simmons and Arnold Schwarzenegger — I dislike Jai Courtnay. Unfortunately, he’s one of the main heroes.

Seriously, if I end up deciding not to watch Suicide Squad next year, it will be his fault too.

Ted 2 (Jul 2)

Didn’t watch Ted, not a fan of crude humour. Obviously people disagree, cause Ted made US$549 million worldwide on a US$50 million budget. To these people: have fun watching Ted 2! (Or not, since the movie earned less than half what the first movie made. Hope that means there are no more Teds in future!)

Far from the Madding Crowd (Jul 2)

It’s a period drama, adapted from Thomas Hardy’s classic, that serves as counter-programming for people who are blockbuster-averse. Not watching because (a) This is one of the classics I didn’t read, and (b) I’m fine with, but not a particular fan of Carey Mulligan.

Magic Mike XXL (Jul 9)

There are people who like to watch naked guys prancing around, and appreciate strippers at bachelorette parties. I am not one of them.
In any case, I did watch the first half hour of Magic Mike when it was shown on TV — hence I’m not judging from a complete bias — but I didn’t like the way it was shot. Apparently, it had a production budget of US$7 million, and it looked like it. And I’m *really* not into naked guys prancing around, no matter how hot, and that’s basically all the movie is selling.

Paper Towns (Jul 23)

It’s adapted from a bestselling John Green novel that I’ve never heard of until today. The same John Green who wrote The Fault in Our Stars, which I did not want to watch, was forced to by my friend, and came out of the cinema wishing I could have spent the time doing other more productive things, like taking a proper nap at home instead of in a freezing theatre. The Fault in Our Stars earned a shit ton of money though, because teenagers are really into all these “sieze the day”, “make the most out of your life” mantras? Or something. It all seems too cheesy and “idealistic” to me, and it ignores reality and consequences. (Sure, if you’re a couple dying of cancer, you can live life recklessly like there’s no tomorrow. But I’m not dying of cancer, as far as I know.) Also, I don’t like the actors that much (for both Fault in Our Stars and Paper Towns).

Anyway, teenagers turned out in droves for that, and they will turn out in droves for this. I’m just not the intended audience.

Mr Holmes (Aug 6)

I adore Ian McKellan, and I’m sure he’s great in this movie. I just prefer my Sherlock Holmes stories to be when he’s younger and sprightly, not in the last stages of his life.

There are more movies I haven’t mentioned, but these are the major ones. There are no horror movies on this list because I don’t watch them, and for the rest, I didn’t think they are worth mentioning.

For all that I joke about how some of these movies look terrible, I understand why the films were green-lit, even though they don’t appeal to me. If I were working at Universal Pictures, I would milk the cash cow that is Despicable Me for all that it’s worth too. If Ted 2 made another US$500 million, I would continue making another few Teds. I would die a little inside, but I would still do it, because my job is to make money for the studio. (I draw the line at another Entourage movie though.) The career fulfillment would have to come from other interesting projects that will hopefully be huge successes. And if they aren’t? More Despicable Mes for everyone!