Movies Coming Soon: September 2017

The Lego Ninjago Movie
The Lego Ninjago Movie

September looks like a really boring month. I’m looking at the whole list of films that are coming out and feeling a sense of profound disinterest in almost everything being shown. It is slightly better than August, in that there are three movies I am sort of interested in, whereas I only had two last month, but the movie lineup just looks so unappealing to me. And the trend continues for the rest of the year.

I’ll elaborate more on the state of the film business another time. For now, here are the movies I’ll be watching in cinemas this month:

Kingsman: The Golden Circle (Sep 21)

I quite liked Kingsman: The Secret Service, which is the only reason why I’m giving its sequel a chance, because I can’t say I’m super excited about it. I really am not the biggest fan of the Kingsmen going to America and meeting their counterparts who are dressed like cowboys and talk with twangs in this movie. Or of Channing Tatum, even though I’m sure he’s an absolutely great guy.

Anyway, in this movie, the Kingsmen’s headquarters and affiliate places are bombed, so the surviving Kingsmen — of which Eggsy (Taron Egerton) is one of them of course — have to rely on whatever gadgets and agents they have that weren’t destroyed in the bombings. They go to America to hunt down the evil villain, played by Julianne Moore, and meet their cowboy-dressed, twangy-sounding American counterparts who are called Statesmen, and who include Channing Tatum, Jeff Bridges and Pedro Pascal as their members. Halle Berry plays a Q sort of figure (Q being James Bond’s gadgetmaster). Harry (Colin Firth) miraculously is alive, even though we saw him get shot in the head by Samuel L. Jackson in the first movie.

As I’m describing the plot, I’m seriously feeling the opposite of keen on watching it. Why am I watching it again? Oh yes, in case it turns out to be a gem, like the first movie did. Because I sure am not watching it for the cast (except Colin Firth, maybe).

By the way, they used the same trailer music as John Wick: Chapter 2 did! But I think John Wick’s trailer was way better and punchier.

The Foreigner (Sep 28)

Jackie Chan plays a darker role than we’ve ever seen him in in this movie about a tired-looking, grieving, vigilante father who seeks revenge against the IRA terrorists responsible for the terrorist bombing that killed his daughter. Pierce Brosnan is the government official whom Jackie Chan thinks has links to the IRA terrorists. (And he would be right.)

The LEGO Ninjago Movie (Sep 28)

Jackie Chan has been busy. Besides acting in The Foreigner, he has been providing the voice for the kungfu ninja master in The LEGO Ninjago Movie! (And the cute mouse in The Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature, also opening in cinemas this month on 7 September.) This new LEGO movie is about high school kid Lloyd (voiced by Dave Franco), whose estranged father Garmadon (Justin Theroux) is a supervillain who is trying to destroy the world. Cue all the teenage angst because naturally people are afraid of him. But Lloyd and his father and his Ninjago friends — did I mention that he and his friends are secret ninjas? — have to band together to fight the real, furry cat that’s destroying their toy city!

It sounds like nonsense, but the LEGO movies generally sound like that anyway. What I like them for is their wry, tongue-in-cheek humour, which this movie is sure to have tons of.

Not watching:

IT (Sep 7)

IT is based on one of Stephen King’s best-known horror thrillers, where a killer clown lures and kills kids. I am definitely not going to watch it. But horror fans should have a blast, because early reactions have been gushing about how freaky it is.

The Beguiled (Sep 7)

I already previewed The Beguiled two months ago, but the release date was shifted. Here is what I said then, because I haven’t changed my mind.

Great cast (Nicole Kidman, Kirsten Dunst, Elle Fanning, Colin Farrell), and an award-winning director (Sofia Coppola won Best Director at the Cannes Film Festival this year), but I have zero interest in Southern gothic period thrillers about a group of repressed women revenging themselves on the man in the midst who disrupts their quiet existence, no matter how much he deserves it.

Logan Lucky (Sep 7)

Channing Tatum (again!) and Adam Driver are two down-and-out brothers who want to pull off a heist during a NASCAR race in North Carolina. They enlist the help of a psychotic character played by Daniel Craig. Who looks like he has RANGE in this movie! Awesome!

Honestly though, the combination of Channing Tatum, whom I already told you above that I don’t really like, and Adam Driver, whom I also don’t really like even though I’m sure he’s wonderful, is not making me want to watch this movie. The concept of redneck brothers with strong Southern(?) accents doing anything doesn’t appeal to me either. It has great reviews though, so I would encourage anyone else who doesn’t have the strange prejudices that I do to check it out.

mother! (Sep 14)

Directed by Darren Aronofsky, who is known for mind-trippy movies like Noah, Requiem for a Dream, Black Swan and The Fountain, mother! has been likened to Rosemary’s Baby. Which, if you didn’t know, is a very famous classic horror movie about a woman who is impregnated with Satan’s spawn. I’m not sure if that’s exactly what happens here, but Jennifer Lawrence and Javier Bardem star as a couple with a huge age difference whose relationship is tested when uninvited guests arrive at their home, disrupting their tranquil existence.

What I find most interesting is that the synopsis in the YouTube trailer caption is entirely in small letters. I don’t think Paramount’s marketing team’s capslock or shift function is spoilt on all their computers, so it must be a stylistic thing. I’ll google to find out after the movie opens, because I am not watching this movie for obvious reasons.

The Only Living Boy in New York (Sep 14)

A college graduate (Callum Turner) falls for his father’s (Pierce Brosnan) mistress (Kate Beckinsale with a British accent). Jeff Bridges plays a kindly old neighbour who offers sage wisdom.

Nothing in the above paragraph sounds appealing to me whatsoever. It just doesn’t.

The Glass Castle (Sep 21)

It’s a movie based on a bestselling memoir by author Jeannette Walls (played by Brie Larson), who wote about her experience when she was a child in a dysfunctional but resilient family headed by her eccentric father (Woody Harrelson), moving from place to place whenever her father loses a job and living off the land (or abandoned houses? Not too sure) without stability or money. She grows up and leaves the family and is able to carve a successful life for herself, but is she really happy to abandon her roots totally?

I’ve decided I’m just not interested in films about young adults figuring out their messed up lives.

Brad’s Status (Sep 28) (Nov 2)

Ben Stiller plays a father who brings his son around to tour colleges. He meets an old friend who makes him feel like he hasn’t accomplished anything of note, when all his other college friends are already rich and successful. Going around looking at colleges and remembering when he was young and felt life was full of potential for him to do great things doesn’t help his mid-life crisis either.

You know what? I don’t watch movies about adults having mid-life crises and trying to figure out how to make their lives better either.

Flatliners (Sep 28) (Oct 18)

It’s a remake of a 1990 horror film which starred Kiefer Sutherland, Julia Roberts and Kevin Bacon, about a group of students obsessed with what happens after death, and give themselves near-death experiences to experience the afterlife for short bursts of time. Bad things happen of course. Why wouldn’t they when you play with death and the afterlife?

Now it stars Ellen Page, Diego Luna and Nina Dobrev. But it is still a horror movie, so I’m still not watching it. In any case, the first one sounds like a cult classic, so I’m not sure why the studio felt a remake was necessary. I don’t think it was a wise choice, but we’ll see.